Well hi there! My name is Kelsey and I am an intern here at the Wesley Foundation!
First, I figured you should know a few things about me: I am a coffee shop enthusiast and dogs are one of my favorite things. I think camp life is the best life, and I am super passionate about kids and college ministry. I’m a senior at Texas Tech, and most importantly, the love and grace Jesus offers has transformed my life and redeemed me in so many ways.There is nothing in my life more worth loving or sharing about then Jesus.
Oh, and I have been single all four years of college.
I have had seasons in those four years where I longed to be in a relationship, feared that I was somehow faulted, and which led to Satan using my singleness to convince me that I am unwanted, ugly, and shamed. Friends and family who meant well perpetuated that lie, by saying things like “how is a cute young girl like you still single” or “don’t worry, your prince charming will come”. (*newsflash please don’t say this to your single friends*)
But in untangling those lies and fears and looking at it plainly and honestly, they all stemmed from putting my identity in something it never needed to be in…something that would fail me time and time again, instead of putting it in Jesus.
That’s been a painful process to learn, but one I am glad I have. Because now, I am so content in my singleness that I just see all the blessings. I see what fear blinded me from before. I see how God has captivated my heart and shaped me in ways I couldn’t have imagined because I have had so few distractions. I see how my identity being rooted in Him is truly the best.
But so often, I struggled with how to encourage others, or even myself, in my singleness. So, how do we encourage our single brothers and sisters? Especially when they long to be in a relationship.
Listed below are my suggestions. These are simply some things that have benefited me and some truths that I learned in singleness.
Friends of my single peeps:
- Listen to your single friends. Don’t dismiss their fears as irrelevant, but instead speak truth into those fears. Speak into who God created them to be and push them to see that for themselves. Ephesians 4: 25 tells us “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are all members of one another.”
- Make time for them. Love them well. Loneliness can be fought in many ways. During one of the times in my life I was struggling in my singleness the most, a sweet friend of mine asked if she could take me out on a “date” and just spent that time loving me well and pouring into me. The fact that she took time to pursue and encourage me in our friendship spoke volumes to the fact that she valued me.
- Don’t ditch your single friends. You need each other and each other’s perspectives. The body of Christ is not meant to be homogenous but made up of people in all seasons of life, spurring one another towards the Gospel.
- Pray for them, but not just that they will find a significant other. Pray that they will see their value in Jesus. Pray that He will take away the fears, that his love will replace the loneliness.
- 5. Be mindful how you speak and how you encourage. Hearing over and over again that the “perfect” guy or girl will come along is not only annoying but can be hurtful. Instead, encourage with biblical truth.
And if you’re single:
- You are not alone, in your singleness or in this world. You are not the only one struggling with singleness, I can promise you that. You have community, one that will support you, walk through life with you, and push you closer to Jesus. You also have Jesus, who promises us over and over again that He will not forsake us, that we will never be left on our own.
- Journal, cry, reach out to your friends. It’s ok to be sad, but don’t stay there. Bring your fears into the light; truth flourishes in light while fear loses its power. I personally taped some biblical truths to my mirror for months at a time, and even these small daily reminders can be so powerful.
- You are beloved – Jeremiah 31:3
- You are never alone – Deuteronomy 31:8
- You are whole in Christ – Colossians 2:1
- You are chosen – John 15:15
- Get into the Word, talk to God about it, and begin to surrender both the fears and desires to him. I know this is hard but surrendering to Christ is where true freedom is found. His way is always better.
- Singleness is not a waiting room for marriage. Live in the present. Enjoy the singleness. So often my fears of being single were met with people either trying to set me up or encouraging me that one day I would have a relationship. Instead I would encourage you to live now, be present, embrace your singleness.
- Have fun in your singleness. Go on adventures. Pour out into your community. Pursue you passions. Devote your time to Jesus.
- Choose wisely. Don’t jump at the first opportunity that comes up so that you may simply get to be in a relationship. A bad relationship is NOT better than no relationship at all. I’m gonna say this one more time for the people in the back: A bad relationship is NOT better than no relationship at all.
- Know that you are loved. You are seen. Know that Christ’s love is a far better love than any love this world can offer. You are not too broken, too lost, too little, or too much for the love of Jesus.
I hope that this encourages you, and if you wanna dive deeper into battling singleness and being content in whatever season you’re in feel free to reach out and we can chat about over coffee sometime!
All the love,